Since bedtime last night, Jody has been crying a lot and angry a lot about what looks like oncoming death. Such profound despair. And such a natural reaction.
What can I do? From way down inside comes “I don’t know”. When Jody is lucid, I think my words make some difference. When she’s not, all they seem to do is feed the flames of her anguish. When I read to Jody, it seems that my voice soothes her. And I brush her hair. She softens then. Last night, she didn’t want me to touch her, so I sadly withdrew my hand. I tried to breathe in her pain and breathe out my love for her, but I was too lost to keep that up for long. So I just sat beside. I was in her presence. She was in mine.
Often it feels like I’m being ripped apart, or disassembled. What I’ve taken to be Bruce (happy, witty, determined, spontaneous) seems to be dissolving. You know, that person, that separate entity walking the earth. As Jody’s crying goes on for an hour or more, there’s a profound letting go in me. Something remains after the personality fades. I don’t know what it is. I guess it’s okay to not know.
Do I need these moments of heartbreak to open to what’s next for me? Perhaps. It feels like a cleansing, maybe more like a violent dermal abrasion in that it hurts while it heals.
I love Jody so much. At times like these, it doesn’t seem important what comes back from her. It doesn’t seem like there’s much of a me for it to come back to. Beneath my sadness is a big open space and immense quiet. The intensity of my need for the usuals falls away: quality conversations, high self-esteem, physical comfort, getting enough good food, having alone time, breaking an hour for the time trial on my bike ta-pocketa, reading a good book. Okay without that.
No movement away from the present moment