My head is swimming within the illness of the day. So perhaps you can forgive me for the comment I’m about to make. Or not.
Part of my sexual apparatus is larger than just about every male on the planet.
If you’re a woman, how does that make you feel? I imagine most of you would be thinking “What a loser.” And that very few of you would be panting in anticipation.
At the risk of diving into the world of TMI, I can say that sometime on the weekend, as I got weaker, more disoriented at times, and was wracked by coughing spells, my testicles started swelling. At this moment, they’re at least twice their normal size. My very unerect penis is merely a bump amid this mass of flesh.
I went to see my doctor Julie today and received antibiotics for whatever virus I’m living with. She looked at my testicles and declared “They’re much worse”, compared to her last examination in September. “It’s not cancer, Bruce.” (Whew) She referred me to a urologist who may suggest surgery to remove the five centimetre cyst atop one testicle and a smaller one on the other. “To deal with the discomfort.”
Sounds good to me.
So here I sit in my man chair, squirming a bit. It is uncomfortable, especially when I turn over in bed. More importantly, thoughts of diminished manhood fall over me. Images of the V-shaped body, the Hollywood smile, the sweaty runner breaking the tape at the finish line, come calling. None of those are me. What’s true is that there’s no lessening of maleness, and certainly no sense of being deficient as a human being. My body is a really cool vehicle that continues to serve me well. It’s just that right now it’s sick, and bloated in one strategic spot. Oh well.
Here’s a reminder of everpresent wholeness, whether experienced through a Christian context, or another:
Just as I am, tho’ tossed about,
With many a conflict, many a doubt,
Fightings within and fears without,
O Lamb of God, I come, I come!