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Disconnect

This afternoon, the Grade 8 students at St. Mary Choir School (graduating tomorrow) put on a cabaret for family, friends and younger kids.  All those sweet voices.  All those smooth dance moves.  And tons of smiles from the performers.

However, I was stunned by one reality of the gathering.  As I looked around at the adults and high school students nearby, I saw six people spending a fair slice of the concert on their smart phones – texting, I guess, and cruising the Internet.  Oh my.  Here we have lots of performing 14-year-olds, and as they’re giving it their all, they look out at the audience and see many heads down.  When a loved one was singing, I saw phones pointed at the stage, videoing the performance, but most of the tech use was not that.  How sad.

Why is there so often a huge gap between the present moment and what people are focusing on?  The here and now is precious – often joyous and sometimes painful, but all of it life.  And we need to experience it.

I remember a few years ago, sitting in an airport lounge, waiting for the boarding call.  A family of four took the seats directly across from me … mom, dad, a boy (about 12) and a girl (about 10).  With nary a word, they each pulled out their handheld thingies and started tapping away.  It could have been 20 minutes of silence and knitted brows.  (Sigh)  No eye contact either.

May we find a better way.

The Scattering of Jody’s Ashes

Fourteen of us came together yesterday, joining Jody in a celebration of life.  Her beloved rosebushes came into bloom on Thursday.  Life is timing.  Thanks, Jodiette.

Last week, I was walking with my friend Pat on the beach at Port Stanley.  I could feel grumpiness coming on as the sand on my bare feet gave way to a surface of pebbles.  On went the sandals.  Then I saw Pat bending down to pick something up.  It was an exquisite heart-shaped stone.  “For you.”

As we fourteen stood facing Jody’s rosebushes, I pulled the stone from my pocket.  Love had moved from Pat to me to Jody and ever outwards.  I placed our stone in a bowl of branches, surrounded by blossoms.  I started crying for my lovely wife.

My friend Theresa sang a sweet song about love, flowers, sun and rain.  I can’t remember the words.  The mist was gently falling as she began and the sun burst through as she ended.  Thank you, Jodiette.

My friend Adele sent me an e-mail after our ceremony.  “Today was a truly moving day….all about LOVE!  Jody was there, in the trees, in the rain, in the gentle breeze, in the bird’s song…she was there!”  So true.  Last night, Jody thanked me for drifting her soul over her roses.  Home.  I love you so much, my wife.  I miss you.

Inside our home, I had lit 70 candles for Jody.  Actually, Theresa lit the last few, including four red cubes that sit on my chest-of-drawers … L-O-V-E.  She asked me whether I’d like her to bring them into our living room.  I said no.  Our bedroom is a sacred space.  An hour later, I checked on them.  Wax had dripped down the drawers, with frozen streams hanging from the handles, and a puddle on the carpet.  I just stared.  Something big was happening, but my small mind started shutting it down with a burst of “How do I clean this up?”  Happily, I didn’t clean it up.  That will be for another day.  I saw my tears for Jody, and my bright red love for her.  And I saw her love flowing over me.

After everyone had gone, I stood before Jody’s roses.  I saw ashes on the end of a branch that had been pruned.  I gathered them between my right thumb and forefinger and placed them in the palm of my left hand.  I cupped my right hand over and talked to my dear wife.  I don’t remember what I said but it was love.  I uncovered Jody’s ashes, paused and blew her into the world.

Jody Orchestrates

My lovely wife is taking care of me.  She is giving me blessed experiences of the moment.  She is bringing loved ones back into my life whom I hadn’t seen for a year or more.  It’s not just serendipity or coincidence.  It’s Jodiette.

I taught a blind child at St. Mary Choir School for three years – 2010-2013.  I’ll call her Julia. Then she decided to go to the provincial school for the blind in Brantford, Ontario for her Grade 8 year.  Fair enough.  For me, though, that meant there was no job left for me at St. Mary’s.  So instead I worked with lots of students with low vision.  During my time with Julia, I had got close to many of her classmates.  When Jody was ill, and after her death, I had occasionally seen a few of those St. Mary’s kids.  But nothing like last night.

Here I go, making up more names.  Yesterday was the final vocal concert of the year at Catholic Central High School.  The students I loved are in Grade 9.  After Jody died, about 20 of them sent me a sweet homemade card, full of caring messages.

I walked into the school, hoping that I would get to say hi to some very special human beings.  After going to the washroom, I could have turned left or right to get to the gym.  Either way was about the same distance.  I chose right, knowing that this route would take me near the Vocal room, where the kids would no doubt be congregating.  I came upon a student that I knew a bit.  As we were talking, a girl walked into my field of vision and stood near me.  It was Brittany.  She had written “You’re in my thoughts as you go through this difficult time.  Knowing Jodie is in a better place, I hope you find peace.”  We hugged and smiled.  “Have you found peace?”  “I’m getting there.”

As I turned away, there was Colette.  She had written “You were always there for us.  Just wanted to let you know that we are here for you!”  We hugged and smiled.  “Hello, Colette.”

Near the entrance of the gym, up strolls Trevor.  He had written “We all love you through this time.”  We hugged and smiled.  “Miss Smith [the secretary of St. Mary’s] told me that last year when Jody was sick, you approached her and asked that she speak on the PA for the school to pray for us.  Is that right?”  “Yes.”  “Thank you, Trevor.”

The concert was stunning.  I got to hear inspired versions of “We Are The World” and Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah”.  The voices were beautiful, yes.  The words were beautiful, yes.  But it was the souls of the kids that filled the room.

After the last notes were sung, I saw Anna standing in the gym with her family.  She had written “I am so very sorry for your loss.  Your family will be in my prayers and I hope that you know that we are here for you.”  We smiled.  “How are you, Mr. Kerr?”  “I’m good and bad.”  We hugged and smiled some more.

I was filling my face in the cafeteria afterwards when a woman came up to me and said, “I’m Amy Jones’ mother.  I want you to know the impact you’ve had on my daughter.  Long ago, you gave her a book for winning a writing contest and she’ll never let it go.”  Gulp.  As we were talking, here comes Amy.  She had written “You were always the kindest and sweetest person I knew at St. Mary’s.”  Gulp again.  We hugged and smiled.  I told Amy and mom that I had written a book about Jody.  I’m not allowed to give it to students.  “I would like one,” said mom.  “How about if you read it, and decide whether it’s appropriate for Amy to read?”  “Sure.”  Amy smiled.  I signed the book.  I wonder when she’s 45 if Amy will still look at it once in awhile.  I hope so.

Chance encounters?  I think not.  My dear Jodiette is walking by my side, hugging and smiling, loving me a whole bunch.  How blessed am I.

Symbol of Life

Just so you know, groundhogs are members in good standing of the rodent family.  They average about 20 inches long and live throughout much of North America in grassy lowlands.  They’re mostly vegetarian (smart critters, I’d say) but sometimes they have insects for dessert.

Jody and I moved from Lethbridge, Alberta to London, Ontario in 1990.  After three years of Occupational Therapy studies at Western University, Jody was hired by Parkwood Hospital.  In 1994, we moved to Union, creating a 35-minute drive to work.  Our route took us past a huge grassy area near Parkwood, grounds that belonged to Victoria Hospital.

So began my love affair with groundhogs.  They were all over that meadow, poking their hairy little heads out of their burrows.  It wasn’t just an empty field full of long grass … there was life!  Every morning, I looked forward to waddling brown beings.  And most times they obliged, putting in an appearance before their adoring public.  I was happy.

And then one day, one year, they were gone.  And they never came back.  Not in 1998.  Not in 2008.  Never.  I was sad about losing my friends without even a goodbye.  The rumour was that they were poisoned.  I suppose the rumour was true.

Not once have I seen a groundhog since the disappearance.  Until today.  And it wasn’t at Parkwood.  I was driving along Highbury Avenue north of London, on my way to St. Patrick’s School near Lucan.  Off to my right was a rough lawn, with some bumps on it.  And a groundhog was skittering along from one burrow to the next!  Oh my.  Thank you, Lord.  Soon I was past the scene but I held that brown guy in my heart all the way to St. Pat’s, a little smile on my face.

Life wins.

Caressing the Cheek

I think one of the most loving gestures in life is to draw the first two fingers of the hand down the cheek of a loved one.  So gentle.  Today, I did an experiment.  I was off to World Gym for planned exhaustion and to Costco for bodily nutrients.  I watched people and visualized touching each one of them.

One mountainous man wearing a muscle shirt was walking in front of me.  My goodness, what triceps!  When I was at an angle to him, his cheek and my fingers met each other in my mind.  It felt weird.  What would he do if I actually touched him that way?  No matter.  Despite the differences between us, my imagining made me feel good.  The gesture points to an inclusive world … one in which love flows.

I spent some time talking to two gym employees at the front desk.  They’re both in their 20’s and they’re both pretty.  My imagined fingers now included sexuality, but it was secondary to the pureness of affection.

Costco was another opportunity.  My caressing included:

1.  A baldheaded man with a phone in his ear and a microphone extending forward.  He was gesturing pointedly at his young daughter.  No smile.

2.  A little boy sitting in the food court, playing hand twists with his older brother.  Lots of smiles.

3.  A woman with continually pursed lips, walking silently beside her slumping husband.

4.  A Tire Centre employee, unshaven, and looking a lot like a Hollywood hero.

5.  An elderly gentleman with a bad cold, leathery skin and faltering steps.

6.  An eager fellow pushing his cart far too fast through the crowded aisles.

7.  A girl, maybe 3, looking up in wonder at her mom’s face.

8.  A pretty young woman behind the hot dog counter, eyes so wide to match her smile.

All those cheeks
Some rough, some smooth
Some youthful, some ancient
Some happy, some sad
I touched them all

Soirée

It means “party” in French.  And I was at one yesterday afternoon.  Vicki is a teacher at St. Patrick School in Woodstock, Ontario, and she’s retiring after decades of teaching.  The whole school was sitting on the gym floor as her kindergarten class came to the front and sang to their beloved teacher.  Vicki beamed.

Then there was the video.  We saw the star of the show as a young kid, as a teen, as a new teacher.  Years of class photos shone from the screen.  Plus a few vintage staff photos.  Lots of smiles and laughs from the audience.  Each of Vicki’s current students stood in front of the camera and told us what they liked about their teacher.  Most of them were shy, and I guess a bit scared, but one young man just belted out his message, mouth wide open.  What fun.  St. Patrick’s has students ranging from kindergarten to Grade 8.  On video, each class said thanks, complete with lots of waving.

And let’s not forget the massages.  For years, Vicki has given her colleagues a neck rub at the end of a stressful day.  So here’s staff member number one, a woman, sitting in a chair facing left.  From the right edge of the screen appear two hands and forearms, descending gently onto her shoulders.  After a few seconds of good rubbing, the “Oohs” and “Ahhs” emerge.  This scenario was repeated about 20 times … teachers, educational assistants, custodian, secretary, principal.  All felt the healing touch.  What a community I was sitting with!

For the big finale, all of us lined the hallways, each carrying a little flag.  Mine was pink.  From my spot in the L-shaped corridor, I could hear cheering growing louder.  And then barreling around the corner was Vicki, running and waving as a torrent of joy and flying flags carried her along.  I even got a high five from the golden girl.

Whew.  What a spectacle.  The three R’s are important, but to Rejoice together is the best.

Mastery of the Moment Part Three

Where is the power in all these attitude choices?  How can they make a difference right in this moment?  Let’s say someone cuts me off in traffic.  How can I hold onto my peace of mind, rather than letting that driver control my level of well-being?  Am I supposed to remember the 45 possibilities among the 22 choices and magically pick 3 or 4 that allow me to stay calm?  Let’s see … which ones would I choose?  How about Source Internal, You and Me, and Not Important?  Yes, they’ll do fine.  But how do I access them at 100 kph on the freeway?  I could open my laptop with one hand, turn it on, go to “Posts” on my WordPress page, locate “Mastery of the Moment – Part Two”, and scroll down to find the choices that seem to fit the moment.  But maybe I’d better keep my eyes on the road!

For that presentation in 1988, I laminated 1″ x 2″ yellow cards listing the attitude choices.  Do I whip one of those out of my shirt pocket?  Do I start the week thinking about only three of them, such as the ones up above?  And then bring those ones to mind as I hurtle down the highway?  I could start with three new ones every Monday.

Maybe I should use all of the choices only in retrospect.  If I have an A > B moment (see Part Two), I could analyze it later to see how I might have handled the situation differently.  Perhaps enough analysis would automatically bring A > B > C to consciousness in the future, as my neighbour’s right rear bumper slips by Hugo’s front left.

To tell you the truth, I don’t know what to do.  The ideas are powerful.  The trick is to harness them, like a cowboy calming a bucking bronco.  I’ll figure it out.  I’m just glad to be along for the ride.

Mastery of the Moment Part Two

Many people see life as A > B:

A = Something bad happens
B = I react … I say something or do something – e.g. with anger, fear, sadness

Another possibility is A > B > C:

A = Something bad happens
B = I look at the attitude I have to that event.  I have choices.
C = I respond rather than react

Here are 22 attitude choices:

1.
Love
Unrestricted caring and compassion, serving and honoring the other person
Indifference
Not caring what happens to the other person, treating them as if they’re invisible
Antagonism
Opposed to and critical of the other person, wishing them pain and disaster

2.
Relationship
Being “related to” the other person, feeling a deep emotional bond with them, hiding nothing from them
No Relationship
No emotional bond.  The other person is treated as an object, with indifference or antagonism

3.
Sufficiency
Knowing that you are whole and complete, lacking nothing, even though life continues to present its challenges
Deficiency
Feeling that life is incomplete, that there is always something missing
Scarcity
Feeling that there is a shortage of something, e.g. love, money, sleep

4.
Source Internal
The “beginning” or source or cause of the quality of my life resides within me
Source External
The cause of the quality of my life is outside of me

5.
Acceptance
Being okay with what life gives you moment-to-moment, while still allowing for the pursuit of goals
Resistance
Fighting life situations that you define as “negative”, trying to avoid or eliminate them

6.
Accepting What Is
See “Acceptance”
Evaluating What Is
Rating what life presents to you on scales such as good/bad, better/worse and right/wrong

7.
Letting Go Of
Releasing negative emotional energy, including the energy associated with the loss of a person, ability, material possession, etc.  Open hands.  No possessiveness
Holding On To
Clinging to negative emotional energy or to someone or something that you have lost.  Allowing emotions such as resentment and sadness to persist.  Closed fist.  Possessiveness

8.
Inclusion
Allowing yourself to experience all of life’s events, whether defined as “positive” or “negative”.  Welcoming everything
Exclusion
Attempting to eliminate certain things from your life, e.g. sadness, anger, illness, financial strain, certain types of people, etc.  Allowing only the “good half” of life

9.
You and Me
Concern for the well-being of yourself and the other person.  “Win-Win”
You or Me
Concern only for yourself.  Life as a battle.  “Win-Lose”

10.
Oneness
Experiencing an identification with all living beings
“There is nothing that is not me”
“The seamless coat of the universe”
Me / Not Me
“Me” means everything from the surface of the skin inwards.  Anything outside the skin is “not me”

11.
Person
Being in awe and wonder of all living beings, experiencing their beauty, love and mystery
Thing
Experiencing the other person as an object that can be used for some purpose

12.
Animated
Seeing the true magnificence of a person, as if a light had been turned on to reveal their beauty
“Flat”
Seeing only a “piece of meat” standing in front of you, an object with no character or zest

13.
Enhance
Intending to contribute to the well-being of the other person, even if at times this includes the use of criticism
Diminish
Intending to decrease the well-being of the other person

14.
No Comparison
Not rating a person or comparing them to oneself or other people
Comparison
Rating a person by comparing their quality to that of someone else   Better/worse

15.
Action
Acting appropriately, being the source or cause of the action
Reaction
Acting (sometimes inappropriately), seeing the other person as the cause of your action

16.
Opportunity
Everything that life gives you is an opportunity to learn
No Problem
Not experiencing severe emotional distress, even though a challenging life experience has to be dealt with
Problem
Experiencing life’s challenges as “horrible disasters” and creating severe emotional distress for yourself

17.
Not Important
Seeing that “negative” life occurrences are not important, that they need not diminish your well-being
Important
Experiencing “negative” life occurrences as hugely important, being a great threat to your well-being

18.
Solution-Oriented
When faced with a problem, looking immediately at possible solutions
Problem-Oriented
When faced with a problem, focusing on who’s at fault and how bad the situation is

19.
Immense
Seeing life as infinite in scope, wonderfully rich and magnificent
Focused
Reducing your awareness of life only to the immediate focus of attention, e.g. another person’s behaviour, a disappointment

20.
Mystery, Not Knowing
Being in awe of the infinite unknowns of life.  Realizing that there is so much you don’t know, and may never know
Certainty, Knowing
Being absolutely sure about what life is.  Being certain that life is limited in some way, e.g. only the physical dimension is real

21.
Learning
Acknowledging that you don’t know everything and that other people can teach you things.  Being open to the wisdom of others
Being Right
Having to defend your position as the right one at all times.  Exhausting!

22.
Love
Where it all began

Mastery of the Moment Part One

Long ago and far away, I came up with a personal development presentation, aided by a lot of reading.  On June 10, 1988, I led a workshop called “Mastery of the Moment” at the Annual Symposium of the Alberta Therapeutic Recreation Association.  Some members of the audience smiled and nodded but, as I remember, no one said anything positive afterward.  So I let it go, never bringing forth the ideas again.  I was sad.

Now it’s 27 years later, and I wonder … Why didn’t people hear me?  Why didn’t my thoughts impact their lives?  Why didn’t I have the strength to carry forward the structure of happiness that I was proposing?  An opportunity lost, but not forever.  I could tell you folks about the “attitude choices”.  They might make a difference with you.  My material wasn’t original but maybe bringing everything together as I did, was.

What’s my life about in 2015?  Well, I want to pass on something of me to whomever will listen.  Jody’s book is one example.  Maybe “Mastery” is another.

I don’t have the oomph to get into the choices tonight but I’ll start tomorrow.  For now, being thoroughly into reminiscing mode, here’s what the symposium brochure had to say:

Mastery Of The Moment: Attitude Choices For Dealing With
Any Interpersonal Problem Situation

This presentation suggests that attitude choice, when recreation therapists are faced with a problem, is far more important than problem-solving and stress management techniques.  Participants will be given ten pairs of attitudes (e.g. “sufficiency-deficiency”) and will be shown one possibility for working with them in particular recreation therapy situations.

Bruce Kerr

Bruce Kerr received a Bachelor of Arts degree in Sociology from the University of Toronto in 1970 and a Bachelor of Education in Social Studies from the University of Lethbridge in 1977.  His past experience includes three years as a Life Skills Program Instructor at Lethbridge Community College and two years as a personal development seminar leader with a Lethbridge psychologist.  He is currently the Volunteer Coordinator at the Lethbridge Regional Hospital, Auxiliary Wing.

Who, me?  See you tomorrow

Phlox

They’re little flowers, some of them purple and some of them white, that grow in ditches and woodlots in Southwestern Ontario.  They’re very pretty.  I first encountered these beauties in June, 1990 when I took the bus across the country to find an apartment for Jody and me in London.  I was walking in the woods near Western University, rounded a corner on the trail and came face-to-face with a bevy of floral sublimity.

Did I just say “bevy of floral sublimity”?  Hmm.  Perhaps it’s a mental problem.

Phlox only blossom during the first two weeks of June.  So like human lives, we need to cherish them while they’re with us.   I read an article recently (Or did I listen to a talk?  Or did a friend just say it to me?) about beautiful things being beautiful because they’re impermanent.  I believe that’s true.  Jody’s great spirit was a blessing to me.  I revere the moments we had together, knowing that, in this physical life, they are now gone.  But Jodiette, may we rediscover each other in different bodies next time.

I drove to the small town of Bothwell today to visit a friend.  Bunches of phlox said hi along the way.  I wanted to possess them, make them mine forever.  Sorry, guy.  Life doesn’t work that way.  For part of the trip, I scanned the horizon, left and right, trying so very hard to find phlox.  Eventually I woke up and let that intense focus fade away.  From then on, my eyes softened, and phlox sometimes just came into view.  I took in the broad canvas of the natural world as I reflected on Jody’s words:  “I am all trees, Bruce.  I welcome you everywhere.”  Soft welcoming feels so much better than concentrated searching.

Thank you for today, dear phlox.  See you next year, I hope.