It was a long time ago.  I was 22, and a student at the Carleton University School of Social Work in Ottawa, Canada. 

I remember being overwhelmed during the practicum I had in the Social Work Department of Kingston General Hospital.  I was armed with various communication skills and therapeutic theories … but not at all prepared for doing family therapy with dysfunctional parents and children.  Too young.  Not enough life experience.

Among many resources, we students were introduced to Transactional Analysis (TA) – a mapping of communication developed by Eric Berne, a Canadian psychiatrist.

TA has recently returned to my mind

Eric said that your approach when communicating can be described as Parent, Adult or Child.

Parent – dictates values, customs, rules and boundaries.  It is usually split into the Critical/Controlling Parent (judging, scolding) and the Nurturing Parent (comforting, guiding).

Adult – evaluates situations rationally based on objective, present-moment facts.

Child – replays thoughts, feelings and behaviors experienced during childhood.  It can manifest as the Natural/Free Child (creative, spontaneous, emotional) or the Adapted Child (subservient, rebellious or conforming to appease others).

***

I’m thinking of many interactions I’ve had with people recently.  Here’s the short version of what I’m seeing:

In the diagram, the person on the left says something and the person on the right replies.  The ideal pattern is Adult to Adult:

A – What time does the play start tonight?

B – At 20:00.  We’ll need to leave home around 19:15

Sometimes though, the lines of communication aren’t parallel.  They’re crossed:

A – What time does the play start tonight?

(Adult to Adult)

B – You should have written it in your agenda.  Why are you so disorganized?

(Parent to Child)

Or …

A – What time does the play start tonight?

(Adult to Adult)

B – How should I know?  Why are you always bugging me?

(Child to Parent)

***

I imagine you get the idea.  Probably many other examples bubble up in your mind.

But enough said

Please … more Adult to Adult conversations in my life

And in yours