Nine days ago I was sitting innocently on my couch when my throat started constricting. Saliva kept building. I swallowed a lot. Many glasses of water later, I fell asleep.

Eight days ago, my throat tightened again. After a silly debate inside my head about whether this was an “emergency”, I walked to the AZ Sint-Lucas Hospital. A referral to the Gastroenterology department. A second visit to Emergency that morning yielded a bunch of tests and a new medication.

My appointment with Gastroenterology was yesterday afternoon. Google Maps wasn’t working right and I stumbled around towards the main entrance of the hospital. Magically I got there on time.

I couldn’t figure out the registration instructions at the kiosk but a receptionist was right there to translate.

Now the waiting room. Now shaking hands with Dr. Cesmeli … a nice guy. Lots of questions, my best answers. And then:

“I’ll be sending a camera down your esophagus. It will be uncomfortable but it will only last three minutes.”

I don’t do well with pain. I imagine you don’t either. I swallowed … in my throat and in my heart.

The photo is accurate. Lying on my left side, something tied around my mouth to keep it open. The nurse sprayed an anaesthetic into my throat. The numbing was fast.

As I fretted about the future of my life, I saw what the doctor was holding. It was a black, flexible tube with a clear section at the tip. A camera. I’m probably exaggerating here but it looked to be a centimetre in diameter. “Oh no!” bubbled up in my brain.

“I should be stronger. I should be stronger.” Except I’m not. Recent experiences of not breathing easily created terror in my soon-to-be-entered throat.

In went the snake …

“Swallow,” said the doctor.

Down deeper …

“Breathe slowly,” said the nurse.

Panic felt I. And then slowing my breath …

I could feel something turning inside, and how tight things were down there. It felt like the tube was approaching my heart.

“Breathe,” I said to my soul …

Finally an impossibly long three minutes was over. The snake retreated into the open air.

I slumped. I felt the anaethetic filling my throat.

“Don’t worry. The numbness will be gone in twenty minutes. Come to my office after you’re feeling better.”

***

Okay, Bruce. Thousands of humans have experienced what you went through. They probably all felt the jolt when the tube started down. Many were scared, just like you. You’re a part of this very human family, not some anomaly.

Dr. Cesmeli said that there’s a constriction in my lower esophagus, probably associated with acid reflux. The medication will relieve that … some or a lot. There’s also a bit of fungus down there, which should disappear with the meds.

If the tightness, saliva growing, and constant swallowing return, he will do a small cut in my esophagus and widen the tissues.

“Thank you, doctor.”

“You’re welcome.”

We smiled and shook hands.

***

Am I a wimp?

About some things, yes

And I love me still