Long long ago, in a Canadian province far away, I worked with a psychologist in giving personal development seminars. I was also active in the est organization, particularly The Hunger Project. One of our local TV stations thought it would be a good idea to interview me about such matters, and so it happened. I was nervous but engaged as I answered the interviewer’s questions. Afterwards I was pleased with myself.
In a week or two, the TV folks provided me with a video tape of the interview. I put it in the VCR and started watching. Two minutes later, I turned the machine off. I never looked at the tape again. I was horrified to see how I looked and hear how I sounded. Just swimming in “not good enough”.
I’ve pushed this incident to the back of my mind and it’s stayed there for the last thirty years. A month ago, I got to participate in a “Love Panel” online. Four members of the Evolutionary Collective Global community were being interviewed by an EC teacher. The intent was to have people with some interest in Global hear from us what we’ve experienced. I spoke from the heart, and laughed some. Afterwards I was pleased with myself.
And now a week ago. Patricia Albere, the founder of the EC, sent us an e-mail containing news and teachings. There was also a P. S. Basically, click here to watch a 30-minute interview with four Globalites. I stared at the words. I froze. I moved on … fast. Thirty years and still the same fear of seeing myself.
And now last night. A voice said, very calmly, “Watch it.” Miraculously, just as calm, I said “Okay.” I tilted my head in wonder. Is this the Bruce I know speaking? Maybe not. It could be the Bruce who’s just emerging giving voice to wholeness, sufficiency, connection.
Thirty minutes later, I sat here on my couch, stunned. I was loving the man who spoke. I was seeing his beauty. I was seeing his heart. There’s no deficiency here. There’s one marvelous flavour of human being just as yummy as all the other flavours I meet during my day.
Perhaps I am free.