I’m in a worldwide group called The Evolutionary Collective. Mostly we meet online to explore consciousness together. For the next three-and-a-half months, I’m taking an EC program called Base Camp. Our current theme is integrity.
On one level, the word is pretty simple – being “whole and complete” – being appropriate to life, having nothing hidden, telling the truth. Another way to look at integrity is keeping your word, and if you break it, go to the person involved and clean up your mess. Even though you didn’t do what you said you’d do, you can still be in integrity.
I can be out-of-integrity if I know what to do and don’t do it. And when I fall short, it’s not about beating myself up about it – just recognize the problem and fix it. Before Monday night’s online session, I thought I was “squeaky clean” but alas that was not the case.
I’ve asked myself “Do I need to address every moment of not being in alignment with truth, even those itsy bitsy things?” The answer coming back was “Yes.” Doing so releases great power to do good in the world, unencumbered by regrets.
Moment Number One
Last June, I quit the Tour du Canada after three days. It was the cross-country bicycle ride I was on. I was exhausted and terrified of the semi-trailers bombing by a few metres away. I came home to Belmont traumatized. As school opened again in the fall, I was still deeply afraid to get back on my bicycle. One Grade 6 girl has been very curious about me, and observant, since we met a year before. She’s wanted to know if I was going to Toronto on the weekend, and noticed when I bought new shoes.
In September, “Molly” asked me if I’d gotten back on my bicycle. I admitted that the answer was no. I told her that ta-pocketa, my skinny-tired bike, was for sale and that I had bought another one – with stable knobby tires. I said it wasn’t in yet. Molly kept asking me if the hybrid bicycle had arrived in London. Later, when I told her that my bike guy was setting Betty up for me, I got lots of “Is it ready yet?” > “No.”
I didn’t want to let Molly know that I was still plenty scared to ride again. I hid … in lies. “The bike isn’t in yet.” After a bit, that wasn’t true. “The bike isn’t ready yet.” After more bits, that was another lie. What was true was that I was praying for the first snow, so Molly would stop bugging me about riding.
I look back now and see the psychic energy I’ve wasted. Every time I saw Molly, Betty was right before my eyes. After Monday night’s integrity session online, I saw the prison bars. As far as I know, lying to Molly was my only diminishment of integrity, but it was huge. “Clean up your mess, Bruce.”
So I did.
I went to Molly this week and told her I had lied about my new bicycle. I told her that I was still terrified and gave her permission to challenge me again when the roads are dry and the temperature warmer. I apologized … “I’m sorry, Molly, for lying to you.” She didn’t know what to say but her nod was all I needed.
Just like that, I’m free.
Until this morning.
Moment Number Two
I went to breakfast at the Belmont Diner and noticed the fellow who was replacing the floor mats with new ones, taking the old ones away for cleaning. I was backing Scarlet up in the parking lot and didn’t see how close the gentleman’s truck was. My back bumper hit its front one – not a real smash but at least a nudge. What did I do, given my newfound integrity? I drove home. (Sigh)
As I pulled onto Robin Ridge Drive, my home road, I started feeling sick, and faint. “C’mon, Bruce. A little bump and you’re falling apart?” Well, actually … yes. What has become of me when one “little” misstep is unacceptable? It’s not unacceptable that I hit the truck, but taking off was. I came to the roundabout on Robin Ridge and went all the way around, back from where I came.
On Main Street, I was praying that the floor mat company’s truck was still there. It was. I heard some noise inside. I knocked on the door. An assistant came out to say hi. And then here was the boss, walking across the parking lot, heavy laden. He too smiled as I told my story. We checked his bumper. Nothing was detectable. “No problem, man.” > “Thanks.”
I drove home with my own smile. I was whole and complete again. This integrity feels like the floor on which I can dance. So cue the music, maestro!