After I quit the Tour du Canada, my body took over. I was so scared on those B.C. highways, and my right hand shook sporadically for days afterwards. Pure stress. Pure imagining my death on the side of the road, brushed aside by a semitrailer.
Today was worlds away from terror, but the result was magnified: my whole body shook. I’m taking a course on relationships – it’s live on the Internet. For some of the time, we do a practice with one other person, who could be living anywhere in the world.
A woman and I were having a fine old time this afternoon. In response to her question “What are you experiencing right now?” I found myself clinging to a huge ball, and so was she, and so were many other folks. As my mind let go, our arms lengthened and soon we were all holding hands … and smiling. The ball was rolling and there was a great sense of ease among us. When the ball rolled over someone, he or she would pop up laughing. Nobody knew where we were going but we all knew it would be good. We were safe.
I’m loving these images when suddenly some huge energy ripped through me. My arms, my legs, maybe even my internal organs were vibrating madly. And this lovely human being was watching me unfold from her side of my laptop.
I had experienced something like this before, during a long meditation retreat. But now I was on public display. Embarrassment flew from me to her but my friend stayed with me. I could feel her calm presence inside my head. “No thing is wrong,” she said. So comforted, I let go into it. I wanted to name the energy, figure it out, but that mind subsided … and I just shook. And then, near the end of our conversation, it stopped.
Back in the large group, it was time for sharing. I decided to tell the folks about my ungluing, from the safety of “This happened back then.” So I did. Partway through my words, the shaking resumed. “Here it is again,” I told my companions. Now it was naked time. Something that others might label as negative was coursing through me … right now. No escape from the eyeballs of my fellow travellers.
Soon it was on to the next sharer but I knew that if the participants had their screens set for “Gallery View” they’d continue seeing all of us, in little rectangles. My head jerked a bit and my arms wouldn’t stop. The laptop on my thighs jiggled. Some energy, of a spiritual nature I thought, was having its way with me. I closed my eyes and let it be there, also trying to be okay with the attention of others settling on my trembling body.
There is no badness here, no deficit. Our evolving group consciousness seems to be stirring something deep inside me. “Well, Bruce, let it stir away. Who knows what worlds you’ll visit?”
Hours later, I’m still. In the days to come, as I go back online with these folks, the universe will decide how it wants to use me.