Last week my doctor phoned to tell me that my recent ECG had some “irregularities”. Gulp. She prescribed an echo cardiogram (happening tomorrow) and a stress test – on a treadmill, I suppose.
For the last few months I’ve been training hard, in preparation for this summer’s bicycle ride across Canada. The medical news sent fear coursing through me. I asked myself what’s true. Well, all this work on the elliptical has certainly increased my endurance. My performance on the beast has gone up at least 10% since I started working out in earnest in December. So how could my heart be weak? No way.
Have I gone at it too hard, sometimes to the tune of several hours a day? Maybe. The organizers of the Tour du Canada told us riders that we need to accumulate 2000 kilometres on the bike from January 1 till mid-June. I’ve figured out an elliptical equivalent for cycling, based on calories burned. As of today, I have 1980 kilometres in the bag.
So I worried a bit and watched my mind a lot. My meditation has sure helped me on that score. How easy it is to create a doomsday scenario, I laughed (Friday). You’re fine, Bruce.
Yesterday morning I was on the elliptical for two hours, and I felt more tired than I’d expected to be. No big deal. This morning, however, I scheduled one hour, and the result was all-consuming. I was exhausted after 45 minutes and dragged myself to the finish line. Then I sat down in the locker room, surrounded by “What’s happening?”
Could I really have a problem?
Is it just that I haven’t had enough rest days?
How would I cope emotionally if Julie told me I shouldn’t go on the ride? Would I abide by her doctorial request?
And so I sit, bathing in uncertainty. Stewing in fear. Letting it all fall out of me.
Just now … a small smile. I’m bigger than this issue, more expansive than the events of my day, not tethered to the earth. I will cross the bridges that come my way.
2 thoughts on “Scared”
I still can’t ‘like’ this unless I have a WordPress account? but for some reason, I can comment? …. but oh, your words resonated. ‘what’s true” ‘how easy it is’ ‘bathing in uncertainty’ ‘not tethered’ …..sending light and hugs
Thank you for your light, Elaine.