Monthly Archives: December 2017

What’s True

Here are more thoughts in response to my friend’s long e-mail, after we both attended a three-month silent meditation retreat recently.

“Dear _________,

Your words are sure getting me thinking.

“You have what we all need, unconditional love.”

My knee jerk response is to say, “Oh no, I’m not that good.”  But I need to look more carefully.  What’s true is that I have been reflecting on love for something like twenty years.  The Buddha essentially said that what we think about, we become.  And I see it in my life.  How about that, I do have unconditional love bubbling to the surface for big parts of my day.  And it’s not that I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread.  It feels like there’s very little ego in the territory.  I’m just naturally gravitating to love.

I appear to be quite strange.  Sometimes in traffic, when I’m facing left turning cars that have an advanced green, I find my eyes getting wet if all of those vehicles make it through before I get to go.  I’m just so happy that no one was left out.  Wow.  Writing this makes me sound like a very weird duck … but so what?  It’s true!  And what should be my response to wholesome states?  As my teacher James Baraz says,  “Don’t miss them!”  Don’t poo poo them, saying “It’s nothing.”  Don’t block them by suddenly getting interested in watching Toronto Maple Leafs hockey games or hiding within the pages of the latest Stephen King novel.  They’re here … embrace them.

“I for one would come to all your talks.  You could record talks as well and share them via YouTube maybe.”

Not that good, I say.  But what voice is speaking?  Is it expansive and calm or a whiny contraction?  No, it’s the small voice – anxious and fearful of really making an impact in this world.

There’s a sangha near me in London, Ontario.  I went to a few of their evenings a couple of years ago but the periods of silent meditation were short and I told myself that there was too much talking.  What if back then I didn’t have eyes to see the beauty, wisdom and love in front of me?  Okay, that’s it: I’m going back to their weekly meetings.  I can be a gift to them and they most certainly can be a gift to me.  Over time, I can start giving talks, if the folks are willing.  It’s true that I have things to say that may be valuable for some people to hear.

About a week ago, I’m walking down the street, and my quiet, trustworthy voice says “In the very near future, Bruce, you will sing Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah” a capella (just voice, no instrument) to a roomful of people.”  I love that song.  I printed off the lyrics and in the last few days I’ve sung it to two people, individually.

This Friday, I’m back volunteering in a Grade 5/6 class.  Sing it to them, Bruce, leaving out the verse with a sexual theme.  Ask the teacher if she will give me permission to do that.  If she says no, look for another environment.

“But they’re too young to hear “Hallelujah”.

“No they’re not.”

“Yes they are.”

“No.  They’re not.”

Oh my.  What journey beckons?  What’s happening to me?  What is my gift?  What is my contribution?

‘I’m on the road to find out.’  (Cat Stevens)”

Returning to Words

Well, well, well.  I just discovered that my last post on WordPress was nearly six months ago.  And here I am, finally interested in talking to you again.

I have no idea if anyone is still out there in Cyberland.  Maybe I’ll just be talking to myself.  Oh well, I do that regularly anyway!

I came home ten days ago from a three-month silent meditation retreat in Massachusetts.  A fellow participant (we’re called yogis) wrote me a long e-mail a few days ago.  I responded to the first part of her message and asked her permission to share it with you folks.  She just said yes.  Tomorrow, I’ll reflect on more of her message, how her words fit with my experience of the retreat.  So here we go.  Back on the horse.

“__________ – what a brilliant letter.  It must have taken you an hour to compose.  I too feel honoured – that you would talk to me so deeply and extensively.  Thank you.

What am I feeling now?  Fear … that I won’t be able to respond to your written journey in a complete way.  Oh well, Bruce.  Let that go.  “Complete” isn’t it.  Just open your heart and write.

I don’t know how to deal with people calling me “amazing”.  How about with simple grace and thanks?  That will do nicely.  I struggle with the idea of being special.  It feels like a big flaring ego when I go that way.  I prefer “ordinary”, in the sense that all of us have inside the love and peace that often leak out of me.  And then there’s the possibility of letting the comparing mind take a vacation, that “special” and “ordinary” just aren’t relevant anymore.  Maybe I’ll try that one on for size.

Thank you for calling me your teacher.  That’s very gracious of you.  I am a teacher, but perhaps not at the front of the room.  I know that my loving and peaceful energy reaches some people.  To think that I contributed to the lives of many of you on retreat gives me great happiness.  And then there were the times during sittings when there was no sweet energy at all.

I just have to close my eyes.  Energy is either flowing all over my face or there is nothing.  During those flat times, I for awhile gave up on making any difference in the hall.  Late in the retreat, however, the quiet voice who has been with me for many years said “Bruce, all is well.  It appears that you can’t reach the expansive state that reaches out to people right now, but there is one thing you can do.  Open your eyes and wish all these folks well.”  And so I did.  I simply looked around and sent my favourite phrases outwards, hoping at some level they were received.

You are loved

Dearly beloved

Dear ones

Loved ones

Darlings

Loves

Dears

Getting to the sweet space of peace is such an experience of letting go.  Trying for it is useless.  Strive away, world.  I won’t be joining you.  Also, I’ve discovered that my life has to be impeccable in the moment for me to reach this state.  If I’m angry or fearful, there’s no way.  If I’m lusting after someone or something, the same.  And ditto if my body is exhausted.  Wow.  There’s a personal development program for you.  Bliss through purification!”

Hmm.  It feels good to be back.