Another fine concert yesterday evening and another late night, what with the subway ride home to my hotel. I dabbled on the Internet for thirty minutes or so but then it was time for sleeps. I thought I did my usual pre-bed routine but I missed one crucial thing: taking my sleeping pills.
I’ve been on Trazodone and Lorazepam for many years. I didn’t handle the stress of teaching very well. It was common for me to get no sleep at all on Sunday evenings, so scared was I about the tasks of the week. So my doctor first prescribed one pill and later she added a second. They’ve helped a lot.
The stresses after retirement just changed their tune. I was caring for my dear wife Jody as she declined towards death. The pills remained. Now I’m officially a retired human being with greatly diminished worries.
So … last night. I just forgot. The few times this has happened before, I’d be awake again within the hour and trudging to the medicine cabinet for relief. This time I slept for about four-and-a-half hours. How is this possible? A cold turkey event and still my brain slowed into slumber.
Here I am post-shower and pre-breakfast. I feel a bit rough but the shower helped. Now what do I do? Wisdom suggests that what I experienced overnight was the worst of it all as I contemplate weaning myself off those little round things. I could try skipping the Lorazepam tonight to see what Trazodone by itself can accomplish. Later I could cut those pills in half, and then … nothing. No pills. Me. Bruce Kerr. Sleeping medications have been part of me for so long.
I want this. I want to be free. I don’t want to be dependent on anything or anyone. I want a loving relationship in my life, but the word I see there is “interdependent”. Can I let the pills go? “Yes” is the quiet answer that rises to the surface of my mind. Most likely with considerable discomfort but really I don’t know if that’s true.
I want to be healthy
I want to live a long time
This is one piece of the puzzle
Here we go