When my dear friend Jo died two years ago, I looked through the many messages of condolence sent to Lydia, Lore and Baziel, written in Dutch.  One word appeared in at least half of them:

Sterk

Essentially … “Be strong”.  I found it strange.  You’ve just lost your beloved.  Of course you’d feel weak and lost.

My body feels low these days.  Some well-meaning person might advise me to go to the gym but all of me says “No” to that.

This morning I went to The Cobbler on the Graslei for breakfast.  My usual approach to the dining room is climbing fifty steps up a spiral staircase.  Not today.  I took the elevator with zero guilt.

My croissant was accompanied by a little jar of strawberry jam.  I couldn’t twist it open.  I saw my server Floreaka standing nearby.  She’s probably twenty.  For a millisecond I had a male ego thought … then it disappeared.  I asked her to help, and the task was easily done.

Tomorrow I’m having a procedure done in the hospital to widen my esophagus.  I sometimes have trouble swallowing.  It’ll be with general anaesthetic.

I’m on a blood thinner medication but I’m not allowed to use it for the three days before the procedure.  To keep me protected, I needed to have an injection today in my belly.

My family doctor said “You can do it or you can visit a nurse.”  An hour ago, a nurse stuck me with the needle.  I wasn’t emotionally strong enough to do it myself.  Again no guilt.

Tomorrow the doctor will feed a long “snake” down my esophagus.  I don’t want that pain again and so I’ve decided to be unconscious while the job is being done.

***

Okay, that’s my story.  I’m choosing comfort instead of pain, resting rather than exerting, asking someone for help.

I feel light.  And I feel the light pouring in

It’s a “yes” to the reality of Now