The painting captures the current state of my mind.  On one hand, there’s a royalty in my daily life, a feeling of standing tall, seeing life big, all dressed up for a party.  I see the beauty in the folks passing by.  My eyes are soft.

Then there is the bowed head.  I’m finding the Dutch lessons so difficult, so humbling.  But the space is somehow rich within the “not knowing” and the “not being good” at something.  There is a gift being extended amid the confusion and angst.

Most of the time I can’t understand what the teacher Isabel is saying.  I catch lots of words but I don’t discover the sentences that tie them together.  I’m not making meaning.

In my skewed perception, I see every other student nodding agreement with her and engaging in the conversations.  And then there’s me.

During the break in class today, Isabel told me that my integration counsellor had put me in the “fast Dutch” class, perhaps because of my university education.  Woh!  That was a mistake.  She will look to see if there’s a slower class that I can transfer into.  Or should I stay in this one, absorbing what I can?

I panicked today in the discussion about numbers.  How wondrous that numbers in English roll off my tongue but ones in Dutch stick in my throat.  Actually, what else would I expect?  I’m a virgin in this world.

After writing this, and letting in the words “Don’t panic”, I’m experiencing what I told you about a few days ago as I look out at the street full of strolling people.  I see the words “I love you” in my head but when I try to say them internally, I can’t get past the “I”.  How can it be that this spaciousness comes calling soon after I was lost in class?

It’s all such a mystery.

***

Wow … what just happened?  I’ve slipped into “Poor me”, something I’ve vowed never to do.  To snap out of it, I choose to let my eyes rest on each face that enters the coffee shop or strolls outside. I’ll get back to you in ten minutes …

***

Ahh … the wonder of all these human beings – happy/sad, young/old, male/female.  Each with a silent story.  I feel raised up.  Now to the gym for an hour of strength training.  Then home for an hour of Dutch. 

I will prevail

I will thrive

As the roller coaster rolls …