Monthly Archives: June 2015

Soirée

It means “party” in French.  And I was at one yesterday afternoon.  Vicki is a teacher at St. Patrick School in Woodstock, Ontario, and she’s retiring after decades of teaching.  The whole school was sitting on the gym floor as her kindergarten class came to the front and sang to their beloved teacher.  Vicki beamed.

Then there was the video.  We saw the star of the show as a young kid, as a teen, as a new teacher.  Years of class photos shone from the screen.  Plus a few vintage staff photos.  Lots of smiles and laughs from the audience.  Each of Vicki’s current students stood in front of the camera and told us what they liked about their teacher.  Most of them were shy, and I guess a bit scared, but one young man just belted out his message, mouth wide open.  What fun.  St. Patrick’s has students ranging from kindergarten to Grade 8.  On video, each class said thanks, complete with lots of waving.

And let’s not forget the massages.  For years, Vicki has given her colleagues a neck rub at the end of a stressful day.  So here’s staff member number one, a woman, sitting in a chair facing left.  From the right edge of the screen appear two hands and forearms, descending gently onto her shoulders.  After a few seconds of good rubbing, the “Oohs” and “Ahhs” emerge.  This scenario was repeated about 20 times … teachers, educational assistants, custodian, secretary, principal.  All felt the healing touch.  What a community I was sitting with!

For the big finale, all of us lined the hallways, each carrying a little flag.  Mine was pink.  From my spot in the L-shaped corridor, I could hear cheering growing louder.  And then barreling around the corner was Vicki, running and waving as a torrent of joy and flying flags carried her along.  I even got a high five from the golden girl.

Whew.  What a spectacle.  The three R’s are important, but to Rejoice together is the best.

Mastery of the Moment Part Three

Where is the power in all these attitude choices?  How can they make a difference right in this moment?  Let’s say someone cuts me off in traffic.  How can I hold onto my peace of mind, rather than letting that driver control my level of well-being?  Am I supposed to remember the 45 possibilities among the 22 choices and magically pick 3 or 4 that allow me to stay calm?  Let’s see … which ones would I choose?  How about Source Internal, You and Me, and Not Important?  Yes, they’ll do fine.  But how do I access them at 100 kph on the freeway?  I could open my laptop with one hand, turn it on, go to “Posts” on my WordPress page, locate “Mastery of the Moment – Part Two”, and scroll down to find the choices that seem to fit the moment.  But maybe I’d better keep my eyes on the road!

For that presentation in 1988, I laminated 1″ x 2″ yellow cards listing the attitude choices.  Do I whip one of those out of my shirt pocket?  Do I start the week thinking about only three of them, such as the ones up above?  And then bring those ones to mind as I hurtle down the highway?  I could start with three new ones every Monday.

Maybe I should use all of the choices only in retrospect.  If I have an A > B moment (see Part Two), I could analyze it later to see how I might have handled the situation differently.  Perhaps enough analysis would automatically bring A > B > C to consciousness in the future, as my neighbour’s right rear bumper slips by Hugo’s front left.

To tell you the truth, I don’t know what to do.  The ideas are powerful.  The trick is to harness them, like a cowboy calming a bucking bronco.  I’ll figure it out.  I’m just glad to be along for the ride.

Mastery of the Moment Part Two

Many people see life as A > B:

A = Something bad happens
B = I react … I say something or do something – e.g. with anger, fear, sadness

Another possibility is A > B > C:

A = Something bad happens
B = I look at the attitude I have to that event.  I have choices.
C = I respond rather than react

Here are 22 attitude choices:

1.
Love
Unrestricted caring and compassion, serving and honoring the other person
Indifference
Not caring what happens to the other person, treating them as if they’re invisible
Antagonism
Opposed to and critical of the other person, wishing them pain and disaster

2.
Relationship
Being “related to” the other person, feeling a deep emotional bond with them, hiding nothing from them
No Relationship
No emotional bond.  The other person is treated as an object, with indifference or antagonism

3.
Sufficiency
Knowing that you are whole and complete, lacking nothing, even though life continues to present its challenges
Deficiency
Feeling that life is incomplete, that there is always something missing
Scarcity
Feeling that there is a shortage of something, e.g. love, money, sleep

4.
Source Internal
The “beginning” or source or cause of the quality of my life resides within me
Source External
The cause of the quality of my life is outside of me

5.
Acceptance
Being okay with what life gives you moment-to-moment, while still allowing for the pursuit of goals
Resistance
Fighting life situations that you define as “negative”, trying to avoid or eliminate them

6.
Accepting What Is
See “Acceptance”
Evaluating What Is
Rating what life presents to you on scales such as good/bad, better/worse and right/wrong

7.
Letting Go Of
Releasing negative emotional energy, including the energy associated with the loss of a person, ability, material possession, etc.  Open hands.  No possessiveness
Holding On To
Clinging to negative emotional energy or to someone or something that you have lost.  Allowing emotions such as resentment and sadness to persist.  Closed fist.  Possessiveness

8.
Inclusion
Allowing yourself to experience all of life’s events, whether defined as “positive” or “negative”.  Welcoming everything
Exclusion
Attempting to eliminate certain things from your life, e.g. sadness, anger, illness, financial strain, certain types of people, etc.  Allowing only the “good half” of life

9.
You and Me
Concern for the well-being of yourself and the other person.  “Win-Win”
You or Me
Concern only for yourself.  Life as a battle.  “Win-Lose”

10.
Oneness
Experiencing an identification with all living beings
“There is nothing that is not me”
“The seamless coat of the universe”
Me / Not Me
“Me” means everything from the surface of the skin inwards.  Anything outside the skin is “not me”

11.
Person
Being in awe and wonder of all living beings, experiencing their beauty, love and mystery
Thing
Experiencing the other person as an object that can be used for some purpose

12.
Animated
Seeing the true magnificence of a person, as if a light had been turned on to reveal their beauty
“Flat”
Seeing only a “piece of meat” standing in front of you, an object with no character or zest

13.
Enhance
Intending to contribute to the well-being of the other person, even if at times this includes the use of criticism
Diminish
Intending to decrease the well-being of the other person

14.
No Comparison
Not rating a person or comparing them to oneself or other people
Comparison
Rating a person by comparing their quality to that of someone else   Better/worse

15.
Action
Acting appropriately, being the source or cause of the action
Reaction
Acting (sometimes inappropriately), seeing the other person as the cause of your action

16.
Opportunity
Everything that life gives you is an opportunity to learn
No Problem
Not experiencing severe emotional distress, even though a challenging life experience has to be dealt with
Problem
Experiencing life’s challenges as “horrible disasters” and creating severe emotional distress for yourself

17.
Not Important
Seeing that “negative” life occurrences are not important, that they need not diminish your well-being
Important
Experiencing “negative” life occurrences as hugely important, being a great threat to your well-being

18.
Solution-Oriented
When faced with a problem, looking immediately at possible solutions
Problem-Oriented
When faced with a problem, focusing on who’s at fault and how bad the situation is

19.
Immense
Seeing life as infinite in scope, wonderfully rich and magnificent
Focused
Reducing your awareness of life only to the immediate focus of attention, e.g. another person’s behaviour, a disappointment

20.
Mystery, Not Knowing
Being in awe of the infinite unknowns of life.  Realizing that there is so much you don’t know, and may never know
Certainty, Knowing
Being absolutely sure about what life is.  Being certain that life is limited in some way, e.g. only the physical dimension is real

21.
Learning
Acknowledging that you don’t know everything and that other people can teach you things.  Being open to the wisdom of others
Being Right
Having to defend your position as the right one at all times.  Exhausting!

22.
Love
Where it all began

Mastery of the Moment Part One

Long ago and far away, I came up with a personal development presentation, aided by a lot of reading.  On June 10, 1988, I led a workshop called “Mastery of the Moment” at the Annual Symposium of the Alberta Therapeutic Recreation Association.  Some members of the audience smiled and nodded but, as I remember, no one said anything positive afterward.  So I let it go, never bringing forth the ideas again.  I was sad.

Now it’s 27 years later, and I wonder … Why didn’t people hear me?  Why didn’t my thoughts impact their lives?  Why didn’t I have the strength to carry forward the structure of happiness that I was proposing?  An opportunity lost, but not forever.  I could tell you folks about the “attitude choices”.  They might make a difference with you.  My material wasn’t original but maybe bringing everything together as I did, was.

What’s my life about in 2015?  Well, I want to pass on something of me to whomever will listen.  Jody’s book is one example.  Maybe “Mastery” is another.

I don’t have the oomph to get into the choices tonight but I’ll start tomorrow.  For now, being thoroughly into reminiscing mode, here’s what the symposium brochure had to say:

Mastery Of The Moment: Attitude Choices For Dealing With
Any Interpersonal Problem Situation

This presentation suggests that attitude choice, when recreation therapists are faced with a problem, is far more important than problem-solving and stress management techniques.  Participants will be given ten pairs of attitudes (e.g. “sufficiency-deficiency”) and will be shown one possibility for working with them in particular recreation therapy situations.

Bruce Kerr

Bruce Kerr received a Bachelor of Arts degree in Sociology from the University of Toronto in 1970 and a Bachelor of Education in Social Studies from the University of Lethbridge in 1977.  His past experience includes three years as a Life Skills Program Instructor at Lethbridge Community College and two years as a personal development seminar leader with a Lethbridge psychologist.  He is currently the Volunteer Coordinator at the Lethbridge Regional Hospital, Auxiliary Wing.

Who, me?  See you tomorrow

Phlox

They’re little flowers, some of them purple and some of them white, that grow in ditches and woodlots in Southwestern Ontario.  They’re very pretty.  I first encountered these beauties in June, 1990 when I took the bus across the country to find an apartment for Jody and me in London.  I was walking in the woods near Western University, rounded a corner on the trail and came face-to-face with a bevy of floral sublimity.

Did I just say “bevy of floral sublimity”?  Hmm.  Perhaps it’s a mental problem.

Phlox only blossom during the first two weeks of June.  So like human lives, we need to cherish them while they’re with us.   I read an article recently (Or did I listen to a talk?  Or did a friend just say it to me?) about beautiful things being beautiful because they’re impermanent.  I believe that’s true.  Jody’s great spirit was a blessing to me.  I revere the moments we had together, knowing that, in this physical life, they are now gone.  But Jodiette, may we rediscover each other in different bodies next time.

I drove to the small town of Bothwell today to visit a friend.  Bunches of phlox said hi along the way.  I wanted to possess them, make them mine forever.  Sorry, guy.  Life doesn’t work that way.  For part of the trip, I scanned the horizon, left and right, trying so very hard to find phlox.  Eventually I woke up and let that intense focus fade away.  From then on, my eyes softened, and phlox sometimes just came into view.  I took in the broad canvas of the natural world as I reflected on Jody’s words:  “I am all trees, Bruce.  I welcome you everywhere.”  Soft welcoming feels so much better than concentrated searching.

Thank you for today, dear phlox.  See you next year, I hope.

Two Women

In the early 70’s, London had a coffee house downtown called Smale’s Pace.  Last night was the fifth Smale’s Pace Reunion, with nine folk musicians appearing in front of us at Aeolian Hall.  Such talent and passion for songs that tell a story.

Seven of the performers were men.  I was transfixed by the other two, especially when they were listening to other folks sing and play.  Laura Smith swayed to the music and joined in the choruses.  Then it was her turn:

I built a boat
I built her for one
I didn’t find any flaws
Until long after I was done
Everything was fine
Until I lost sight of shore
Then I knew
I didn’t want to be
In a boat for one anymore
You should see me working
I’m tearing her apart
Working night and day
Rebuilding with my heart
It’s there in all the pieces
I see it in every curve
The flawed design
I built a boat with fear
And shattered nerve
I’m building a boat
I’m building her for two
The hardest part was starting
I don’t know when I’ll be through
You should see me working
I’m tearing her apart
Working night and day
Rebuilding with my heart
I’m taking all the time I want to
All the time I need
I’m building her for comfort
I’m not interested in speed
I’m building a boat
I’m building her for two
She’s going to catch the wind
The way that lovers do

I’m so glad we built a boat for two, Jodiette.

My gate’s wide open and the world is coming in

 ***
My gate’s wide open and my dreams are getting out

What a lovely life to lead

***

And then there was Sue Lothrop.  She smiled and smiled as others played.  Actually, at first I couldn’t guarantee she was smiling.  A neighbour’s music stand covered the bottom half of her face.  But you can tell from the top half, can’t you?  All the muscles were up and the eyes were shining.

As one fellow played virtuoso ukulele, Sue’s whole being widened in astonishment.  Her hands were curled together on her lap, the left over the right.  Then she opened her left hand, fingertips stretching upwards, only to move in applause at the end of the piece.

I was there.  Oh, what a lucky boy am I.

Straight Down The Middle

I love golf.  And today I was loving golf in Cambridge, where the top women professionals are playing this week.  I’m at the Travelodge tonight and will be heading back to the course tomorrow morning.

I especially love women’s golf.  Why, you may ask?  It’s not just because they’re pretty (but that is a factor).  The best, however, is that many of them smile and have fun with the gallery. I want famous people to be friendly, to be nice human beings, folks that I’d enjoy having a coffee with.

Today I followed a 17-year-old Canadian girl – Brooke Henderson.  You should have seen her after the round, signing autographs for kids and other human beings.  She smiled and made eye contact.  Lovely.

I think that a good golf swing is a thing of beauty, especially the full follow through after the club contacts the ball.  Many times today, with Brooke and other women, I was close by as they teed off.  I was so taken with the pose at the end of the swing that I usually didn’t even watch where the ball was going.  Power and grace.  And one example of full self-expression.

In other moments, the flight of the ball held me.  When I hit a ball, it’s always coming down by the time I lift my head on the follow though.  Not these women.  The ball climbs and climbs … touching Spirit on high.

Of course there’s the world of golf scores and who’s in first place and who gets to hoist the championship trophy.  That’s good, but it’s the moments that enthrall me, not the cumulative result.  Some of golf’s moments are ecstatic and some are devastating, but they’re all symbols for the roller coaster that each of us lives.

Another reality today was that I got really tired.  My feet and legs had enough of sidehill walking through fescue grass.  And despite my water bottle, I got dehydrated in the sun.  I told myself this morning that I’d walk 36 holes, but in fact I did 16.  I retreated to a tent housing some energy company, and the attendant there kindly allowed me to sit down for awhile in the shade.  We had a lovely talk and she was happy to take a copy of Jody’s book.

Tomorrow I’m into grass once more.  Sure I’d like to see Brooke play well and make the 36-hole cut but it’s far more important to see the balls fly and the mouths turn upwards.  The soul soars.

Fame?

Five hundred more copies of Jody’s book arrived on my doorstop this afternoon.  And this e-mail from Chapters South in London showed up in my Inbox:

“I am very interested in having you in the store to do a signing or two.”

Assorted thoughts now proceed from my brain:

1.  Get a grip, Bruce.  You’re not going to become famous.  You’re just going to sign a few books.

2.  Fame sounds like a pain in the ass.  You’d have no life.

3.  I want our story to reach the hearts of people far and wide.  How exactly do I do that?

4.  There’s no time for book signings.  On July 21, I’m heading off on a six-week road trip to Western Canada.  Then home for a week, followed by a very long meditation retreat in Massachusetts.  See?  No time.

5.  Think of all the folks I could meet in the store.  I love talking to people.

6.  What if nobody came?  What would that do to me?

7.  It’s not like Jodiette: My Lovely Wife is a novel or anything.  I just wrote a lot of e-mails and blog posts and strung them together into a book.

8.  But it’s a good story, of two human beings who love each other deeply, who suffered and joyed together.

9.  I don’t want this to be about ego.  It’s not “Oh, what a good boy am I.”

10.  Jody touched so many people in her life – friends, family, patients, colleagues.  Now she’s opening the hearts of readers after her death.

11.  What exactly am I going to do with the rest of my life?  Whatever it is, I’ll be with people.

12.  Will a publisher pick up our book so that readers across the globe can be nudged a little closer to their loved ones?

13.  What are you blathering on about?  Pick some other topic for today’s post.

14.  On the front cover, Jody is looking deep into the soul of whomever’s holding the book.

15.  Stay on topic, Bruce.  Corral your thoughts into some coherent whole.

16.  Who am I?

17.  One woman told me that she read our book and now her mom has started it.  And her daughter is waiting in line.

18.  It’s just a book … 190 pages of large type.  No photos.  It’s ordinary.

19.  Me, sitting at a table, watching a line of book holders approach?  (No, no.  There won’t be a line.)

20.  Why don’t I just meditate for awhile?  You know, the silent stuff.

21.  Whew, sigh, hmm, and other short expressions of the unknown

***

Tomorrow I’m going to write about golf

Haida Gwaii

Haida Gwaii is an archipelago of 150 islands north of Vancouver Island in British Columbia, and an eight-hour ferry ride west of the BC mainland.  It means “islands of the people”, the aboriginal Haida people.  It used to be called the Queen Charlotte Islands.  Thank goodness Canada now recognizes its native residents by name.

I’m going there – in June, 2016.  I’ll be spending eight days on a sailing ship with seven other guests and a crew of four or five.  Wow.  I’m really doing this.  Jody and I wanted to explore the BC coast together, but alas, that was not to be.  Except that Jodiette says she’ll be at my side every wave of the way.  Thank you, my wife.

I’m likely to see humpback whales, bald eagles, dolphins, sea lions, very large black bears, and maybe killer whales.  I will listen to Haida elders talk of their totem poles and their spiritual life.  I will enjoy the company of my new friends onboard.  And I will meditate on God’s vast reach on our planet.

On a trip to Haida Gwaii a few weeks ago, here are some notes from the captain:

This morning we visited K’uuna (Skedans), and as we approached we had another humpback whale on the starboard side.  We counted 100 bald eagles at Skedans Islands.

I can anticipate, plan, expect and predict … but my journey will unfold as it should.  What if I never see a humpback?  Then that’s how it is.  What if my roommate turns out to be a macho young fellow.  Then that’s how it is.  What if it rains and pours for the whole trip?  So be it.  My heart will be open.  My spirit will soar.  Whatever happens, I expect to be stunned into silence every day.

I’m so glad I’m going.

Church

Imagine entering a hospital where, several times each day, the staff meditate and celebrate with all patients who are able to participate.  Imagine that all people would regard their work in such a hospital as inseparable from their private lives, that their home lives would be an extension of their work lives and vice versa.  You would know that all people who share with you while you are in this hospital consider it a privilege.  Imagine a staff that regards being well-rested and clear as their sacred duty.  Imagine the emergency room, surgical and ward teams understanding how to tap their collective energy and thus create a high energy team.

Wow.  And so I imagine.   I call this kind of environment a church, in the best sense of the word.  People are happy to be there.  People talk to each other about their lives, about important things.  People sometimes hold each other’s hand.  And people really look into each other’s eyes.

I think my Costco South in London is a church.  I am welcomed.  Folks smile at me.  The staff are usually very busy but they make sure I am seen.  I can be silly with the food demonstrators and with the people behind the hot dog counter.  I can go to the optical department and complain that my eyes are falling out.  I can greet fellow customers on my way through produce.  It’s home.

Sir Arthur Carty School in London is another church.  The principal is real, not a role.  The hallways are filled with happy chatter at recess time.  The staff room is full at lunch … little knots of conversation, and none of it complaining about students.  Short human beings and taller human beings appreciate each other.  And the answer to “What do you teach?” is “Kids”.

Places of communion exist
They are right under our collective noses
Let’s go find them