Well, well, well. I just discovered that my last post on WordPress was nearly six months ago. And here I am, finally interested in talking to you again.
I have no idea if anyone is still out there in Cyberland. Maybe I’ll just be talking to myself. Oh well, I do that regularly anyway!
I came home ten days ago from a three-month silent meditation retreat in Massachusetts. A fellow participant (we’re called yogis) wrote me a long e-mail a few days ago. I responded to the first part of her message and asked her permission to share it with you folks. She just said yes. Tomorrow, I’ll reflect on more of her message, how her words fit with my experience of the retreat. So here we go. Back on the horse.
“__________ – what a brilliant letter. It must have taken you an hour to compose. I too feel honoured – that you would talk to me so deeply and extensively. Thank you.
What am I feeling now? Fear … that I won’t be able to respond to your written journey in a complete way. Oh well, Bruce. Let that go. “Complete” isn’t it. Just open your heart and write.
I don’t know how to deal with people calling me “amazing”. How about with simple grace and thanks? That will do nicely. I struggle with the idea of being special. It feels like a big flaring ego when I go that way. I prefer “ordinary”, in the sense that all of us have inside the love and peace that often leak out of me. And then there’s the possibility of letting the comparing mind take a vacation, that “special” and “ordinary” just aren’t relevant anymore. Maybe I’ll try that one on for size.
Thank you for calling me your teacher. That’s very gracious of you. I am a teacher, but perhaps not at the front of the room. I know that my loving and peaceful energy reaches some people. To think that I contributed to the lives of many of you on retreat gives me great happiness. And then there were the times during sittings when there was no sweet energy at all.
I just have to close my eyes. Energy is either flowing all over my face or there is nothing. During those flat times, I for awhile gave up on making any difference in the hall. Late in the retreat, however, the quiet voice who has been with me for many years said “Bruce, all is well. It appears that you can’t reach the expansive state that reaches out to people right now, but there is one thing you can do. Open your eyes and wish all these folks well.” And so I did. I simply looked around and sent my favourite phrases outwards, hoping at some level they were received.
You are loved
Getting to the sweet space of peace is such an experience of letting go. Trying for it is useless. Strive away, world. I won’t be joining you. Also, I’ve discovered that my life has to be impeccable in the moment for me to reach this state. If I’m angry or fearful, there’s no way. If I’m lusting after someone or something, the same. And ditto if my body is exhausted. Wow. There’s a personal development program for you. Bliss through purification!”